Christmas Eve, 2018
It all begins with an idea. And as crazy and cringeworthy as it is, my original idea was to be a Youtube Vlogger. HA. That will always make me laugh, and anyone that knows me knows that would’ve lasted about five minutes. Thanks to my awesome aunt Christina, I had the best vlogging camera on the market by the next Christmas. Flash forward almost an entire year, and this amazing, (& expensive) camera has never been used, and this Youtube dream is slowly fading away. It was around this time, that I also realized I didn’t really have any dreams anymore.. And I’m not talking about going to sleep at night and thinking about my dream house or dream car. I mean I had zero motivation to get up in the morning anymore. All drives, passions, and things that I thought brought me joy went right out the window. Looking back, I would still classify this time as the worst, and most important chapter in my life. This was the first instance where I would battle depression and anxiety.
I really cannot stress the significance of the second to last sentence up there. Even tho this was the worst and most draining part of my entire life so far, it was also by far the most important. The only reason I have for that is that I was forced to sit and deal with all of these negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I was by myself. No friends, no relationship, and only a small number of family members who I didn’t even want to see me like that at certain times. With all that loneliness tho, I found a new sense of respect for being alone. The extremely beneficial things that can come from seperating yourself from the crowd, whether that be from depression or a natural feeling of wanting to get away. It’s can all lead to similar outcomes if approached in a healthy way. I was forced to isolate myself because of where I lived and what my situation was, but that isolation helped me find so many different parts of myself. Parts that needed to be found and brought out for me to get “better” and start to feel like myself again.
Then one day came where I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to leave and get away from that area I was in and this person I had slowly started to become. It wasn’t even physical differences that occured, (except for a few more tattoos), but moreso extreme pyschological differences. I had gone from a driven and motivated young man, to a lost soul looking for answers to questions I didn’t even know. Not too long after I took myself out of that environment, I went back for the holidays. During this time, I still felt as low and lost as before, but I actually channeled those feelilngs into something creative. Something good. It was Christmas Eve and really nice out for some reason, and for an hour and a half I sat at this marina and tried out this photography thing. Not even really sure what I was doing or even aiming for, that experience might’ve saved me. I didn’t know where I was going or doing, and I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. But going home that night, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time, excitement. Four years later and I still feel the same.